Do You Save the Relationship or Walk Away?
Emotional immaturity has many causes—and many consequences. While we’d all love to support our partners, it’s hard in the face of constant blame and a lack of empathy. But what’s the best way to move forward? What does an immature partner look like? Don’t worry, we’re here to walk you through it.
1. They Play the Blame Game
No, no. They didn’t do anything wrong. It must be someone else’s fault—somehow. Where there’s a will, there’s a way and immature partners often blame others for their actions, leaving you in the lurch for honest discussion or changed behavior.
2. They Can’t (or Won’t) Take Responsibility
Immature partners rarely take responsibility for inappropriate behavior or an unkind word. If you try to approach them, you may experience gaslighting, strong defenses, or childish “jokes” that invalidate your feelings (“You’re on your period, aren’t you?”).
3. They’re Completely Self-Centered
Those who haven’t grown up make everything about themselves. They’ll pick on you in public to get a laugh. They need constant validation. Most notably, they seem to lack empathy and ignore others’ feelings.
4. They Aren’t Vulnerable
A big part of mature relationships is vulnerability—and stunted partners avoid it. Whether it’s a meaningful conversation or honest reflection after an argument, it’s a big red flag if they won’t answer questions.
5. They Have No Direction in Life
Immature partners are prone to reckless behavior, which leaves both of you stranded for direction. Sometimes they won’t take the leap at work, perfectly content to never push themselves. Sometimes they can’t commit to your relationship. However it manifests, keep an eye out for aimlessness.
6. They’re Jealous
A little romantic jealousy is hardly unheard of, but immature partners take it to new levels. It often stems from a lack of trust and fear of abandonment, which might lead to possessiveness down the road.
7. They Never Communicate With You
Despite the glaring need for honest discussion, immature partners won’t communicate. You may find yourselves fighting more often and it can feel like pulling teeth to reach healthy resolutions. Suffice it to say, relationships with no communication won’t get very far.
8. They’re Defensive
Though you’re well within your rights to express your emotions or call out immature behavior, stunted partners never relent. They’ll often get defensive by blaming others—including you—and gaslight you in submission. They might even get angry or overwhelmed.
9. They Can’t Commit
They seemed like a dream come true when you first met, but the relationship still hasn’t moved forward. You’re not living together. You’re not engaged. Your wants aren’t aligned. These can all be giant flags that you’re on different paths.
10. You Feel Alone With Them
One of the loneliest feelings is abandonment in a relationship. You shouldn’t feel alone with the person you plan to spend your life with—but it’s hard not to with immature partners. If you can’t talk to them or solve conflicts, it might be time to look at the relationship as a whole.
Now that we’ve identified some key problem areas, let’s dive into a few steps you can take to make life easier.
1. Set Boundaries
Adhere to your comfort zone—even if your partner won’t. Set healthy boundaries to let them know you’re not willing to put up with gaslighting or possessive behavior. If they won’t listen, they obviously aren’t interested in your well-being and it’s probably time to move on.
2. Get Professional Help
Regardless of whether or not your partner joins you (though they should), professional help is a game-changer. Therapists can walk you through your relationship, provide tips on how to proceed, and discuss your emotions with you in a safe environment.
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3. Don’t Parent Them
It’s not your job to parent your partner, so avoid coddling them. You’re both adults and while support is essential in a relationship, their growth isn’t your responsibility. It’s also important to avoid parenting them as it can lead to a serious imbalance in your partnership.
4. Have an Honest Discussion
Immature partners may struggle with serious discussions, but you owe it to yourself to have them. How they handle honest talks about your comfort is a good indicator of how they’ll handle the relationship—so pay attention to their behavior.
5. Encourage Their Growth
The best partners know how to encourage personal growth without pushing or shaming. However, there’s also give and take in a relationship and the right partner knows how to move forward without stomping their feet or getting defensive. Encourage them to look inward and rebuild the relationship; if they’re committed, they’ll at least try.
6. Take Care of Yourself
Don’t forget about yourself through all this. Immature partners can be draining, so invest in self-care that prioritizes you. Whether it’s speaking with friends, indulging in a good meal, or going for a simple walk, don’t ignore your needs.
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7. Recognize the Warning Signs
One of the best things you can do is know the warning signs. Immature partners aren’t always willing to change, leaving people on the other side to feel it’s their job to “improve” someone. But you shouldn’t delve into a relationship with the hopes of “fixing” them. If you spot red flags and think it’s best to move on, trust your instincts.
8. Build a Strong Support Network
Support systems go well beyond a trusted therapist. They include loved ones like friends and family, both of whom will walk you through this bumpy life stage. If you feel like you can’t talk to your partner, it’s important you have someone to turn to.
9. Stand Up for Yourself
Immature partners can become complacent in how they treat you—nip it in the bud. Stand up for yourself. Tell them when something’s bothering you. Don’t make it your job to “fix” them. Remember that you’re important and deserve to be treated as such.
10. Know When to Walk Away
As scary as it is to leave the familiar, know when to walk away. If you know your partner won’t change, consider your options and do what’s best for you. Some partners need to get bonked on the head with reality before they commit to change. Others won’t budge no matter what you do.
