The Rules
Just like today, everyone was obsessed with dating and love in the 90s too. So much so that many TV shows, dating coaches, and books gained popularity – promising to lead millions of singles to the partners of their dreams. Nowadays, this advice is more likely to get a dating guru canceled than hired.
1. Play Hard to Get
This is one everyone has heard about, and even nowadays, some people continue to practice the act of false aloofness. Playing hard to get essentially means a woman will act disinterested to encourage a man to chase her more. She should act like a prize, so he feels accomplished when he scores a date. In reality, it’s much simpler to be honest with your feelings and spare the games.
2. Women Must Wait to be Pursued
In the 90s, it was common practice for men to initiate. This means if a woman saw a man she liked in a bar or at a party, she would simply have to give him “looks” until he decided to approach her and ask her out. Nowadays, both men and women are encouraged to have agency in their dating lives. Consider the popularity of the dating app “Bumble,” which got millions of users because women had to text first. Very recently, Bumble has backtracked on this rule and enables men to text first as well, and to the surprise of no one, they have lost a significant portion of their user base after the change.
3. No Intimacy Before Monogamy
Whether you consider it prudish or classy, it’s clear that people are obsessed with purity culture. For some, this means no intimacy until marriage, while others simply wait for the establishment of a relationship first. One popular show, Millionaire Matchmaker, popularized the slogan of no relations before monogamy. However, these days, many people find that they can engage with one another on the first date and still pursue a healthy relationship with no problem.
4. The Three-Day Rule
This was a very specific rule which instructed men and women to ignore one another for three days after a successful date. This was to indicate that you were busy and had a life, and hence weren’t desperate for love. Then after the third day, you were allowed to call or text.
5. Men Must Plan Dates
Gender roles ruled supreme back in the day, and still kind of do today. Either way, it was up to men to plan the dates, arrange everything, and even provide transportation if needed. Modern daters find it easier to balance the responsibilities, and this way women can also take the lead if they want to.
6. You Should Look Busy
Similar to the three-day-rule, the idea here is you need to indicate that you have a bustling social life and are hard to get ahold of. Nowadays, many people simply are really busy. But back in the 90s, if you weren’t, you had to pretend you were.
7. Men Should Give Gifts
There was a time when giving flowers on the first date was essential and expected. While this tradition has gone out of fashion, some women (and men) would undoubtedly appreciate the gesture. You know your partner best, and everyone loves surprises.
8. The World is for Pairs
The 90s certainly is not to blame for this, but the world in general seems to be made for pairs. In fact, young people are often pressured to find a partner, and those who fail are dismissed as spinsters. It’s as if love is the ultimate goal, and all other ventures fall short.
9. Follow the Timeline
Similar to how you must find love, there is a certain timeframe in which you must do it, and in the 90s, this timeline was specific. For instance, you must wait until after the first or second date to kiss. Then you must wait for a few months before having intimacy. Then, of course, you must make room in your homes for each other’s stuff, followed by the eventual move-in. You must take at least one vacation together before getting married, then of course, you must get married. Add in a few kids, a dog, and a white picket fence – and you’ve achieved the American dream. At least that’s what they tell us.
10. Fancy Restaurants on the First Date
These days, many first dates are kept casual, and often include coffee meet-ups and walks in the park. However, back in the 90s, it was pretty much expected that a man takes a woman to a fancy restaurant to show his dedication and means. However, all this really does is make dating difficult for people of other economic classes, which really shouldn’t matter when it comes to love.
11. Going for the Kiss
Speaking of intimacy, one of the initial and arguably most-innocent steps is the first kiss. Men were encouraged to just lean in and go for a kiss, ideally near the end of the first date. This can make things awkward for a woman who isn’t comfortable, and can lead to unwanted advances. Nowadays, it’s common practice to ask before kissing. Some may argue that it ruins the moment and the spark, but on the first date, you’re still strangers, and comfort and security are far more important than a movie moment.
12. Involving the Parents
In the 90s, it was expected that families get involved in their kids' dating life. This meant meeting the parents was a big deal, and organizing holiday schedules around family gatherings was just part of the game. However, many people stopped doing this as they felt the families were too intrusive and they were more interested in dating the individual than a whole unit.
13. You Have to Go Out
Another common trope in the 90s was going out, as staying in just really wasn’t a thing. This meant every time you wanted to see each other, you’d have to have a purpose in mind, whether that be dinner or a movie. Not only might this hurt the wallet, but it might put constant pressure on both parties.
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14. Asking for the Phone Number
This is an innocent one, and maybe some people still use phone numbers, but most have shifted to apps. Even older families prefer WhatsApp groups to casual texting. Many people also approve of this change, as a phone number can seem personal and may be for life.
15. Meet-Cutes
In the 90s, it was still common enough to meet your partner out in the wild. Think of those adorable meet-cutes from movies where people run into each other at a library or in a bar. In modern times, very few couples actually meet like this, with most of them turning to online dating platforms and apps.
16. Men Must Sow Wild Oats
This trope has been around far longer than the 90s, and it basically encourages men to go out and have multiple casual relationships. The issue here is that many men felt pressured to do this and were often minimized by women for lack of experience.
17. Women Should be Soft
Returning to the world of gender roles, many dating gurus would find it difficult to deal with a strong-headed woman. Think of the type of woman that likes to lead. Essentially, these coaches would tell them that men naturally want to lead and the woman must become soft and submissive, or else face an eternity as a spinster.
18. Men Should be Strong
On the flip side, the same dating gurus would instruct men to be strong and domineering, leading the woman in every aspect of her life. Control was encouraged, and men that came across as too weak would be ridiculed. Think of the usual stuff, like how a man must not show emotions or ask for help.
19. You Should Play Games
Essentially, the 90s were all about gender roles and playing games. Whether it be the three-day-rule, or playing hard-to-get, mind games ruled supreme. Modern dating gurus discourage such behavior and preach honesty above all.
20. Soul Mate or Bust
Casual dating or seasonal relationships simply weren’t a thing in the 90s. Every effort and date were all about finding a soulmate, and people were pushed to find the one and stick with them (this doesn’t include the phase in which men are sowing their wild oats). With so much urgency and pressure, no wonder relationships were portrayed as unrealistic and made-for-movies. Even nowadays, while things have changed, there are still plenty of problems complicating everyone’s quest for love.
