Aren’t There Better Things to Talk About?
So a friend or family member has just gone through a divorce, and while you want to be supportive and kind, your intentions may result in more heartache. In divorce situations, especially those that involve children, here are 20 things you’re better off leaving unsaid.
1. You can do whatever you want now
While divorce can bring some new opportunities, not everyone wants to hear this. It might not be freedom they need at this time in their life, especially with kids in the picture. This kind of comment can seem like a neglect of their emotions.
2. At least you don’t have to deal with their family now
Divorcing someone doesn’t always mean you cut all ties with their side of the family. This is especially true when there are kids involved. It can be next to impossible to have no relationship with the former in-laws in that case.
3. But you seemed so happy together
This can be a very painful thing to hear, as not all relationships are what they seem to the outside world. Although they seemed happy, one person could have been pretending or enduring something for too long. This sometimes leads to a painful parting of the ways if not addressed with love and respect.
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4. Maybe they’ll come around
Divorce is always tough. But sometimes it is a definite, final decision from one or both sides. Giving false hope can be worse than facing the reality of the situation.
5. You should’ve seen it coming
Not everything can be predicted in any relationship. Adding unnecessary guilt or pressure by saying something along these lines can be an uncalled-for jab at the person. It undermines the efforts put into trying to make things work before the divorce.
6. I knew this would happen
Nobody likes to hear that dreaded “I told you so.” It can feel like the biggest slap in the face on top of everything that is happening to them right now. Instead of being there for them, this makes it seem like their pain is being judged, not supported.
7. Why don’t you just get along for the kids
Parenting is hard as it is, and trying to deal with an unhappy relationship while raising kids is a next-to-impossible task. This kind of comment does not help anyone. It just puts more pressure on the already difficult struggles they might be facing.
8. It’s for the best
Even if the relationship was beyond saving, this could be a hard thing to hear. It’s almost like you are trying to push them to the acceptance part of their grief. Sometimes it’s important to be there for them and just acknowledge their feelings.
9. Why didn’t you work harder on the relationship
It takes two to tango. Sometimes even the best efforts can’t make both of the people involved willing to try and save the relationship. This comment makes the complexities of the situation seem like they are one counseling session away from being magically fixed when the reality might be that it was not.
10. You don’t need to keep talking about it
Talking about a painful experience is the biggest part of the healing process. Everyone deals with it in their own time. Telling someone to stop talking about it might just cause them a lot more pain and make them feel alone when they need a shoulder the most.
11. It wasn't meant to be
Even if it’s true, it doesn’t mean that hearing it makes it easier. Sometimes the relationship has such deep roots in one’s person that they are unwilling to accept that it was for the best to end it. Repeating this to them just to get them off your back can be a rude dismissal of their feelings.
12. I can’t believe they did that to you
This can make the person feel like they have to justify themselves or their ex-partner’s decisions. Both parties have a shared responsibility in making the relationship work. Blaming the other person while they are still getting over it can be an unnecessary comment.
13. I’m sure you’re relieved it’s over
Relief isn’t the first feeling almost anyone gets after going through a divorce. It is often a mix of very uncomfortable and sickening emotions. A comment like this can make the person feel like you are dismissing their grief.
14. You’re better off without them
This might sound like you are telling them a positive thing, but it’s probably far from the truth. Healing from a divorce takes time, and not everyone feels like they are better off right away, or maybe ever. It pushes their feelings to the side instead of facing them straight on.
15. You’ll be fine
It’s natural for us to want to reassure someone that everything will be fine. This can, however, feel like a dismissive and easy comment to make. It completely disregards their feelings and emotions.
16. Stop thinking about it
Moving on isn’t as simple as just shutting off your brain. Even if it takes a long time, reflecting on it and talking about it helps the healing process. It might be almost impossible for them to actually stop thinking about it even for a moment.
17. At least you don’t have to deal with the kids anymore
Divorce does not mean that the parents stop caring for their children. The reality is that many divorced parents still have a very strong relationship with their kids. In events where the parent doesn't have sole custody doesn’t mean they divorced the kids as well.
18. How does your family feel about this
While it’s understandable to want to know how their family is taking this situation, this can come across as rude toward their own feelings. It puts unnecessary pressure on the already difficult situation. The focus should be on their feelings, not others.
19. They probably found someone else
If this is actually the case or just an assumption, it is definitely an unwanted comment. Not everyone wants to know that their ex moved on quickly. It can make the person feel left behind, like they never even mattered.
20. You should start dating others already
This can be a very hurtful thing to say, even if your intentions are good. It’s not always easy to jump into a new relationship, especially after a divorce and with kids mixed into the situation. It takes a lot to start a new relationship, and they just might not be ready yet.
