It’s Time to Put Yourself First
People-pleasing isn’t just everyday generosity—it’s a serious pattern of behavior that impedes mental health and wellbeing. Let’s dive into some classic signs and what you can do to try and nip them in the bud.
1. You Don’t (or Can’t) Say No
A classic sign of people-pleasing is never saying no. You often don’t put your needs first, agreeing to anything under the sun, and soon feel the negative effects. To make it all worse, you usually don’t take time for yourself either, leaving your days filled with anxiety and overwhelming stress.
2. You Apologize When You Aren’t to Blame
People-pleasers concern themselves with every opinion, even when they don’t need to. Whether someone is upset or events happen beyond their control, people-pleasers always apologize.
3. You Don’t Have Boundaries
Those who agree to everything don’t have healthy boundaries in place. It may be a fear of upsetting others. Some have a hard time with confrontation. Whatever the cause, most people-pleasers haven’t drawn lines in the sand.
4. You Don’t Tell Others How You Feel
With no boundaries in place and constant sacrifices made, people-pleasers put themselves by the wayside. They don’t speak up when something bothers them, they’ll reluctantly agree to heavier workloads, and they do it all without a peep.
5. You Agree With Everything
For most people-pleasers, it hardly matters whether they truly agree with something—they’ll agree anyway. That immediate validation might feel good at first, but it’s also a surefire way to over-commit.
6. You Have Low Self-Esteem
If you don’t speak up for yourself, who will? The sad truth is that a lot of people-pleasers suffer from low self-esteem. Though it’s much easier said than done, establishing boundaries can help eliminate stress and mistreatment.
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7. You Always Second-Guess Yourself
Some people-pleasers look for external validation over their own confidence. Rather than acknowledge their accomplishments, they’ll second-guess themselves and worry they haven’t done a good job.
8. You Try to Be Friends With Everyone
When you aren’t good with conflict, you’ll try to avoid it at any cost. This usually means befriending everyone or acting overly cheerful with those around you. That kind of facade soon crumbles, leaving people-pleasers even more stressed out.
9. You Put Others Ahead of Yourself
It’s no surprise that people-pleasers put others’ needs first. However, the mentality affects other facets of life—stress levels, anxieties, and loss of sleep can all creep in when there’s too much on your plate.
10. You Don’t Make Time for Yourself
While it’s important to set boundaries and speak up for yourself, some people-pleasers take it a step further still. They stay up late to finish projects. They go out when they don’t want to. They sacrifice their happiness entirely to please others.
Now that we know some major signs of people-pleasing, let’s dive into a few helpful ways you can curb the habit.
1. Put Yourself First
The first step is to put yourself first! You’re just as important as those you selflessly help—make time for yourself and reframe the narrative. Whether it’s hopping in the bath for a relaxing soak or just learning to say no, it’s time to treat yourself a little.
2. Don’t Jump to Help Everyone
The urge to help is strong, but you’re stronger. Try to recognize when you’re most likely to agree to something. Does it happen more at work or with your friends? Can you actually handle any more responsibilities right now? Resist the urge to take on every request, and remember that it’s okay to have boundaries.
3. Practice Healthy Boundaries
Speaking of which, healthy boundaries are some of the best things to build for yourself. When you put yourself first, you understand that it’s not your job to fix everything—and that some things are out of your control. Learn to say no and don’t feel bad about it!
4. Acknowledge Accomplishments
We often get trapped in our own heads, listening to that nagging voice that tells us to take on more responsibilities and ignore our well-being. It’s time to switch gears. Don’t fluff off your achievements; patting yourself on the back builds confidence and can help fight against perfectionism.
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5. Try to Delegate
You don’t need to take on every task yourself. If you’re drowning in paperwork, delegate some tasks to those around you. When you ask others to share the load, you acknowledge that you can’t (and shouldn’t) control everything.
6. Stop Apologizing So Much
It’s easier said than done, but resist that temptation! Apologizing for every little thing exacerbates guilt and worsens the belief that you can control everything. It’s not your fault for having boundaries. It’s not your fault for prioritizing your needs. It’s not your fault for loving yourself.
7. Accept You Can’t Please Everyone
This belief won’t come easy, especially after so many years of people-pleasing—but it’s important to acknowledge. No one can control everything. Remind yourself of that, and practice self-affirmation to combat any negative thoughts that creep in.
8. Treat Yourself the Way You Would a Friend
You would never treat your friends as poorly as you treat yourself sometimes. You’d never tell them to take on more responsibility. You’d never shame them for staying home. You’d never cross their boundaries. Extend that love to yourself.
9. Replace Negative Self-Talk
People-pleasers often feel terrible about setting boundaries or focusing on themselves for a change—but it’s time to fight that negativity. Instead of telling yourself you’re a bad person, remind yourself that you matter and deserve the same love you give others.
10. Speak With a Therapist
It’s not easy to overcome people-pleasing, which is why therapy could be a good option. With a professional, you learn healthy coping mechanisms, work out deeper causes, and have someone in your corner to help you succeed.
