Doomed to Repeat History
A divorce can be one of the most troubling experiences a person can go through. Learning to love again can seem impossible, especially if the events are recent. But dating is also a great way to get your mind off the past, and if you follow these 20 steps, it might be more fun than you expect.
1. Don’t Compare Your New Partner to Your Ex
Every person is unique and has something that makes them original. Whether you are looking for someone just like your ex or you want a completely different person, make sure not to bring it up and compare who does what better or worse. This can sabotage your new relationship and not even give it a chance from the beginning.
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2. Set Clear Boundaries
Don’t be afraid to set boundaries, both emotionally and physically, when you start dating again. Doing things too soon, whether it’s intimate stuff or sharing personal things, can be overwhelming. Healthy boundaries help build respect and strong foundations.
3. Be Honest About Your Past
It’s absolutely okay to talk about your past, as long as you don’t overshare too soon, that is. Your past relationship shouldn’t be a burden and define your next one. Sharing things with your new partner when you feel the time is right can be a good and healthy thing.
4. Avoid Rushing Into a Relationship
It can be tempting to jump straight back into the dating pool right after a divorce. The problem with this, in some instances, is that it can feel like unsuccessfully trying to fill an emotional gap. Think twice before you make a poor choice as a snap decision.
5. Keep Your Kids in Mind
If you have kids, it might be a good thing to take a second and think about how your dating will affect them. It can be a very hard thing for children to learn that their mom or dad is trying to replace the other parent. It’s also a slippery slope when it comes to not talking to them in these difficult times, as divorces are often hardest on the kids.
6. Take Red Flags Seriously
If something feels off, you likely want to take a different road. After going through a divorce, the last thing you should be doing is ignoring red flags in a new dating partner. This can often lead to dishonesty, physical or mental abuse, or controlling and toxic behaviors.
7. Keep Things Light in the Beginning
The early phases of dating should be a fun and exciting time. Make sure to hold on to those precious moments of the honeymoon phase before diving in too deep. Experience all the fun things that come with a new relationship.
8. Avoid Dating Just to Fill a Void
Loneliness can be a very hard thing to bear, especially when going through a divorce. Starting a new relationship or jumping into the dating world just to cure loneliness can make those feelings even worse. Take time to heal emotionally and make sure you are ready to commit to another person—not just because you are alone, but because you want the relationship to be a happy addition to your life.
9. Be Honest About Your Intentions
If you don’t want anything serious after your divorce, be upfront about it. The worst thing you can do to both yourself and your new partner is to be misleading. This also goes for if you want a serious relationship—make sure you communicate your intentions clearly.
10. Stay Independent
Relationships can definitely enhance your life, but that doesn’t mean you should be dependent on one. Being independent in many ways improves your own emotional stability and well-being. Make sure to get some hobbies and hang out with friends before you jump into something new.
11. Don’t Be Afraid to Make the First Move
If you are interested in someone new, don’t hesitate to let them know. Being confident in what you want and taking the lead can be very attractive and lead to a potentially happier new relationship. Waiting for someone to notice you or chase after you usually ends up with you waiting a long time.
12. Keep Your Expectations Realistic
Just because you got divorced doesn’t mean you immediately need to get someone hotter and better. No two people are the same, and everyone comes with flaws and perks. Be realistic when it comes to what you are looking for in your next partner, and don’t be too upset if it doesn’t turn out to be a full-blown fairy tale.
13. Don’t Let Fear Control You
Being afraid of getting hurt again is a reasonable response after going through a divorce. That doesn’t mean you should let fear control your decisions and your happiness. Approach dating with an optimistic attitude.
14. Respect Other People’s Baggage
Everyone has baggage—whether it’s small or big, it’s there. Just like you went through a divorce, other people have had good and bad things happen in their lives. Be understanding of their life story and ensure that their baggage doesn’t define them, just like yours doesn’t define you.
15. Avoid Talking About Your Ex Excessively
Mentioning your ex, depending on the context, can be okay and not really that big of a deal. Consistently and constantly talking about them and bringing them up is a huge turnoff and a red flag. Keep conversations focused on you and your new partner’s future.
16. Know When to Walk Away
Not every new person is life-partner material.
If someone feels very off or is completely incompatible with you and your goals, that’s okay. The right person will come eventually, and it will be worth the wait.
17. Don’t Be Afraid to State Your Needs
You should not be afraid to say what you want and how you want it. Going through a divorce is emotionally and mentally draining and can leave negative and bitter feelings. Know how to prioritize what you want and what makes you comfortable.
18. Be Cautious
While dating can be fun after a divorce, caution is always important. You don’t want to end up in the wrong place at the wrong time because you were throwing caution to the wind. Make sure you think things through, and if you are meeting someone new, let your friends or family know where you’re going in case of any sort of emergency.
19. Understand Compromise
You might lean towards completely and fully only caring about yourself and nothing else after a divorce. This can be a very unappealing and toxic thing to do. Knowing how to compromise and understanding that a relationship is a two-way street is key when it comes to making the new relationship happy and mutually respectful.
20. Take Time to Heal
After any breakup, there are bound to be some unresolved emotions.
You want to make sure you give yourself enough time to process what you are going through. Jumping right back into dating can lead to even more pain.
