Ever hated the sound of person's laugh? The way they slurped their coffee, or held their fork? We all have those little things that annoy the heck out of us. When your significant other is doing them, it's the beginning of the end--unless you end it right then and there. That's what these people had to do when they realized they were dating someone with a silly, annoying habit. We asked people from around the world to share the pettiest reason they'd ever used to break up with someone.
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70. He did the math.
It was 4 days before my birthday and she said she was going to get me a gift. I knew I couldn't break up with her for at least 30 days after accepting her gift and I wasn't willing to make a 34 day commitment to the relationship. So I broke up with her.
69. Too matchy-matchy.
This was many, many years ago (probably '92 or so). I was out shopping with a girl and we stopped in at the Gap. She picked out a skirt or some pants or whatever, and when she went up to pay for them, the woman at the register asked her if she needed a pair of matching socks.
My girlfriend happily said "Yes", and I thought that totally unacceptable, that she could be so quickly and easily swayed to make yet another purchase. It was SHOCKING to me.
We broke up two days later.
68. Make up your mind.
I once broke up with a girl because she couldn't ever decide on something. I would say, "Lets go to the movies" and I'd even ask what movie she wanted to see, and she would NEVER make up her mind. Drove me nuts.
Turns out she had another boyfriend, and when I confronted her about it, she told me "She couldn't decide between the two of us."
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67. So long, farewell.
She would always say how much she loved to travel, but has never been outside of California. Retweeting, reblogging, Instagram, everything about her "travels to the grocery store" or "my travels to Yosemite." I ended it cause I said I needed space, last thing she said to me was "good luck on your travels."
66. Out of sync.
She would sing along with songs that were playing on the radio, but with a delay of .5 seconds, like she knew the tune, but didn't know the words until she HEARD them. It got SO annoying, SO quickly. Not listening to that for the rest of my life. Nope.
Image by Uschi Dugulin from Pixabay
65. Loves her nugs.
She refused to eat anything besides chicken nuggets and french fries. No substitutions. Not chicken tenders. Not chicken strips. If we went somewhere without nuggets and fries she would just order a Coke and watch me eat.
I once made the mistake of cooking dinner for her. She took one bite and asked if I would be offended if she ran to McDonalds to get nugs/fries.
There were a host of other reasons, but that was a big factor.
Photo by Ayo Ogunseinde on Unsplash
64. This us everyone, though.
Anytime a cat walked into her line of sight (we're lesbians, there's always a cat around), she would go "kitty!" Didn't matter if she was in the middle of saying something or if I was talking about something. It just popped out of her mouth. I couldn't handle it.
63. A tragedy of gross proportions.
The moment I decided it was over was when I saw her poop. Not the verb, the noun. She had to use the bathroom at my place before we hopped in the shower together, and as I'm undressing and ready to hop in, I see this giant floater. I avert my eyes, hoping she'll notice and do something about it. She doesn't even seem to care! So I put the lid down at least and she says, "I think there's something wrong with your toilet."
Okay, so not only is there a gross turd in my toilet that broke the spell of this image of a beautiful woman, but now she's blaming me for it! That stuff ticks me off. After a few weeks we break up. But here's the kicker:
A couple months later I go to use my toilet and notice a floater. I knew I had flushed last time I used it and I watched the poop get sucked away, but it had resurfaced. Apparently the pressure is just low enough in my toilet that sometimes the poop gets sucked away, but not out of the bend in the toilet, and can inch its way back and surprise you the next time you go to use it.
So wait, maybe she was right, I thought, maybe there is something wrong with my toilet. And I think back to that night and realized I had taken a dump right before she came over. So not only was my toilet really broken, but it had been MY turd in the toilet all along that had turned me off from her.
62. Me like cookie.
I dated this girl who was the loudest eater I ever met. She constantly chewed with her mouth open and smacked her lips. God forbid if she really liked it, then there came a litany of mmms and noms as well. It was like dating the cookie monster.
60. But...what...
We are at a local brewery and she looks as though she is about to cry. I ask her what the problem is and she mentions that they don't have any vegan options. They have plenty of vegetarian options that allow for you to substitute for vegan cheese, so I suggest that. At this point tears are rolling down her cheek. I ask if she has another place in mind and she immediately perks up. We head over to that restaurant and she orders fish tacos.
59. It's the little things.
I dated this one girl who would gulp super loudly ever time she drank anything. I mean, I could hear her drinking from the other room, it almost sounded comical.
Also, oh my god, she eats her food one thing at a time. Like, she has steak, mashed potatoes, veggies on her plate right? She eats all of her mashed potatoes... THEN she eats all of her steak... THEN she eats all of her veggies. Leaving each piece of food untouched until she's finished another. So after making steaks for us, after 5 minutes, I would ask her "so how is the steak?" And she'd be like "Oh... I haven't had any yet."
Anyway I'm not George Castanza so I just married her instead.
Photo by bruce mars from Pexels
58. So much wrong.
She was putting mustard on her fries by applying it to her hand first and then rubbing it all over the fries. Then she licked the mustard off her hand. You would never ever think she would do this by looking at her or speaking to her.
57. It's a condition.
Puff knuckle. When the hand is open, the knuckles make dimples instead of bumps. This person was not fat. Just weird puffy knuckles. Once noticed, could not be unseen.
56. Well, did you?
She would constantly talk specifically during the dialogue of movies. In scenes where nobody was talking...silence. Then as soon as somebody started talking:
"DID YOU READ THAT ARTICLE ON SHEA BUTTER IN THE PAPER?"
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55. Gotta have his PB&J.
She was allergic to peanut butter. Like really bad. If I was gonna see her I couldn't have peanut butter for the two days before. That's a life I don't want to live.
54. Class differences.
Her parents were too rich. And I don't mean like nice house in the suburbs money I'm talking Fortune 500 CEO type money. It was seriously intimidating and I couldn't handle the pressure. So I stuck a note in her locker on the last day of school after a 3 month relationship (I was 17 so way too old to be doing that type of cowardly crap). It also made for a very awkward senior year.
53. Subtly flawed.
There was a girl that I dated in college that I thought that I liked a lot, but I kept finding ridiculous, immaterial faults in her. For instance, her left toe pointed slightly inward when she walked, or her areolae were a bit asymmetric. She came from the south, and although her accent was mostly gone, the way she said certain words would start to grate on my nerves.
I became obsessed with these things until I just had to break up with her ... even though I really liked her. In retrospect, she was my first serious post-high school girlfriend, and I think I was just freaking out about how fast things were going.
Image by Tumisu from Pixabay
52. So salty.
She would put saltine crackers in her soup and crush them up. No big deal I do that to but when she was done she would lick her hands clean of all the cracker dust. Every. Single. Time! I could not handle this no matter how amazing the rest was.
51. Oh my gaaawwwwwd.
We weren't ever in a relationship, but I went out with a girl a few times who was completely normal whenever she was around me, but whenever I saw her with her friends she morphed into one of those weird, screaming, over-excited girls who seem like a flock of chickens. Big turn-off.
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50. A very hairy rejection.
There was a chin hair that would begin to appear every morning, and every morning she'd head to the bathroom and emerge sans chin hair. Still though. Other than that she was perfect.
Image by HeungSoon from Pixabay
49. Puny ego.
His head was too small. Like freakish, shrunken head small. He was a big dude 6'4 200 pounds, with this tiny child size head I could completely wrap my tiny girl hands around. My friend still call him Tiny Head Paul. I hope he found someone to love him and that petite noggin of his.
48. Someone has to mind.
She always said "I don't mind" as the answer to every question put to her. What film do you want to see? What do you want from the chippy? What club do you want to go to tonight? Always "I don't mind" so I would make a choice only to be met with "Ugh, I don't like that. I would rather do something else." Drove me up the walls after a while.
47. Size matters.
I looked at him, really looked at him from a distance, and realized that his head was just way too big for his body. I spent the next two weeks trying to convince myself that it really wasn't that big, or that even if it was, I shouldn't care.
But I couldn't get it out of my head so...goodbye Big-head Steve, hello shallow Me.
46. From another planet.
I met this gorgeous Kenyan girl. Beautiful to put it simply. I took her to a baseball game and things were going well. But she kept referring to the crowd as "the humans" or "you humans". For instance, 3rd inning comes around and so does the wave. Once it passes us, she sits down, laughs and says "You humans have weird customs." This freaked me out. All I could think was if we are the humans... what are you?!
Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay
45. A man needs his space.
She always wanted to cuddle/touch me/flirt while I was eating. I told her it bothered me, but she thought it was cute or something so she did it often. One night while eating a slice of pizza she kept rubbing her hand up and down my arm, I had decided enough was enough and loudly broke up with her.
44. Keeping it moist.
Years ago I dated a guy who was obsessed with cherry Chapstick. He'd slather it on obsessively including before we'd make out. It got to the point where the smell alone repulsed me. Recently a friend was matched with him on OKCupid and asked me if I knew him. I was telling her about the Chapstick thing, and as she scrolls through his profile, we see a list of top 5 things he can't do without. Number 1? CHERRY CHAPSTICK.
Jen BatlerImage by Shutterbug75 from Pixabay
43. Is it meant to be? No.
She would always make points by asking opposing questions. For example, "Do I like crunchy peanut butter? No. Do I like creamy peanut butter? Yes."
It happened three or four times a day. And never in a scenario that made sense to be formatted that way. I didn't even break up with her. I just couldn't bring myself to talk to her out of fear of having an aneurysm.
42. Not crafty enough.
I'm really into craft beers and I get super excited when I go to a place with a really big tap and/or bottle selection. I was on a second date with a guy and we were at a local bar with one of the best bottle selections in town. As I'm standing there analyzing the different bottles, trying to narrow down what I'd like to try, he orders us two Busch Lites.
I stopped returning his calls after that.
41. Just be honest.
Every time I order take out, out of politeness I ask other people in the room (friend, family, dates) if they want some and usually imply it's my treat.
I said to her "I'm hungry, do you want something to eat?" and she said "no" and I made sure "Are you sure? Anything you want is fine!" and she said "no, thanks, honestly." So I ordered some take out just for myself, just enough for ME because she wasn't just clear, she was EXTRA CLEAR she did not want anything.
Food arrives. "uh can I have some?" mental sigh "yes. yes you can have some" I ate half-a-meal, she ate half-a-meal, I'm not satisfied, she is not satisfied. "Are you sure you don't want me to order you something?" She replied "No, I'm not hungry" while eating. She did this too many times.
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40. Petty is as petty does.
"I love your Burberry scarf," she says to me on our first date. It was a gift from family. It was a little foreshadowing of what was to come. I come to learn that she loves fashion. She was attractive. That's fine. I have no interest in it. One day she calls me wanting to vent about her horrible sister in law. "She bought me a Tommy Hilfiger shirt for my birthday! I hate Tommy Hilfiger! She has no style! She doesn't know my brands! My brother knows my brands! We are very close so he knows my brands. How can he marry someone like that!?!?" I never spoke to her again.
39. Curious mating ritual.
On our first date, I brought her home. I went to let my dog out for a grand total of five minutes, and she shaved her legs using my razor. I came back in, went in the bathroom, and it was like a shaving cream bomb went off. Then I noticed my razor, wet with hairs on it. I have a full beard, and hadn't used it in over a week. She then played it off like nothing happened, and there was nothing she felt like telling me.
Photo by Bruno Cervera from Pexels
38. That's actually hilarious.
Her natural laugh was a bellowing siren that sounded extremely forced and fake. During a normal conversation, this reverse duck call would sporatically ring through the public area causing literal standstills, quickly followed by several groups paying full attention to our table just waiting for the next siren to go off. And it would - with the exact same pitch, volume and length. She was well aware of this phenomenon but was convinced it was a charming attribute and only a few haters were jealous of her zest for life. Nope.
Photo by Malcolm Garret from Pexels
37. Chug-a-lug.
When she was thirsty, she would take a sip of water from the glass, lower the glass, move the water around in her mouth, then sallow. Repeat that for like 10 times until she drank all the water. Drove me nuts watching her do that, she even did it when she was super thirsty.
36. Now that's prickly.
I had a boyfriend who I really, genuinely felt positively about. After years of being horribly mistreated I had finally found my prince. He wasn't physically perfect by any means, but it didn't bother me! He had the physique of a lumberjack who drank too much beer, which I kind of liked because I figured he could protect me in a street fight.
However, I'm a cuddler, and he had weirdly prickly upper-arm hair. Like, it hurt. For some reason after about 6 months this completely destroyed my attraction to him. I was so terrified of that prickly feeling.
I still miss his sense of humor and how sweet he was! Too bad about the arm hair.
35. Put the trash where it belongs.
He littered. Constantly. I was 15 and thought he was adorable. But he littered like he was trying to single-handedly destroy the environment. Get out a stick of gum? Wrapper on ground. Done with a soda? Can thrown into grass. Finished reading a flyer? Crumble and throw onto ground. It lasted one week between us. Final straw was him finishing a bottle of Coke and dumping it into a pond. I looked at him and said: "go get that and dump it in the trash! It's disgusting!" He laughed and told me to "stop being a tree hugger." And then added: "it's not like it can't handle a bit of trash being in the water." I glared at him and shoved him with all my strength right into the duck poop filled pond. I waited until he was done calling me names before I said: "you're right. The pond can take a bit more trash. You're in it after all." He was mad beyond all reason and I just walked away. I told the park ranger if he saw a pond muck covered fool walking around it was because he been dumping stuff in the pond. He avoided me for the remainder of high school. Ironically he was president of the "Keep our beaches clean" group during senior year. He never mentioned the incident after it happened, but he seemed to have changed.
34. Please to get lost.
She would intentionally use broken, ungrammatical English when speaking to non-native English speakers because she thought they would understand that better. So if the guy at the convenience store had an accent she would say something like:
"Please to selling me the Salem 100's."
33. Calligraphy or nothing.
I dumped a girl for her poor penmanship. She saw my car in the parking lot at work. She stopped and put a note under the windshield wiper that said "Hi! Just saw your car here, and wanted to tell you how excited I am about tonight!"
That night she was supposed to meet my friends. She did not. The note appeared to have been written by a 2nd grader with broken hands. I have always imagined her gripping the pencil in her fist, pinky down. Biting her lip and furrowing her brow, concentrating on each and every letter as she scrawled out that simple note. With her big fat kindergarten-sized pencil. The only thing that would have made that note more childish in appearance, would be if it had been scribbled out in crayon.
32. The sum is more than its parts.
I broke up with this girl for not one, but a bunch of petty reasons. Her eyes were slightly misaligned when her glasses were off. She wore socks with sandals nearly every day (also, foot odor). She always (ALWAYS!) had a cold. She chewed her hair constantly. She put lemon in her beer, even beers that weren't offered with lemon. She stole some candy from a store, right in front of me. It was our third date. She couldn't pronounce the word "nuclear" properly, even after correction. She had never read a book outside of school and seemed proud of it.
Add them all up together and you have one pretty solid reason to say goodbye.
Image by Pintera Studio from Pixabay
31. Hey, wait up.
I broke up with someone because he was a fast walker. I'm no turtle myself but if I've busted out the heels for a nice date and we're walking on cobblestone streets, don't expect me to sprint after you. Dinner reservations aren't for another half hour! Slow down and enjoy your surroundings! It also boded badly for him when he kept turning around to speak to me, saw that I was lagging, and kept on going the same pace. It's the little things, little things like that, that shows lack of consideration for other people.
30. Dumped over dots.
She wouldn't count her dominoes.
She came over to my house. My friends and I were in a domino games phase. We finished the first game, and everyone counted up their scores. I got to her, and she hadn't counted. A ten minute conversation ensued wherein I learned that she "just didn't feel like it." We were all astounded by her lack of respect for the game and us as people, who had no problems with counting dots on dominoes, and had just found out we played a meaningless game since one of the participants stopped participating. Eventually she left and I felt relieved.
Image by Jiří Fröhlich from Pixabay
28. So long, sweaty.
She was an amazing chef. But she had super sweaty hands, and the way she handled ingredients just felt like she was trying to wrap her sweaty hands around them as much as possible. Every time she cooked, the meal was amazing but I just pictured her hands dripping sweat into the cooking pot...couldn't handle it.
27. Anything for Fido.
She was too nice to her dog. Pee in the house? Nothing. Nonstop yipping? Nothing. No discipline. On the flip side - after all of the messes, the dog owned the bed, got treats whenever it wanted, and acted like a princess. I want someone who is capable of discipline and being honest, when necessary... I didnt think I would be able to trust her constant happiness and dog pleasing qualities.
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26. The master thief.
In university halls in my first year I was making small talk with a girl I'd started seeing. Chatted about what she had for dinner, she said she had pasta and cheese. I made a passing comment about her being a big spender, I was smooth, I know. Cheese is a bit of a luxury for students. She said she took the cheese from the shared fridge and it wasn't hers. Instant romance killer. Couldn't see her again. I can imagine taking a slice of bread or a bit of butter but cheese is pushing it.
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25. Analog versus digital.
Went on a couple dates with a girl and one night she was at my place after the date. She asked me what time it was, I checked my watch and said "quarter after 10." She lived 10 minutes away and said "Oh no I have to be home by 10:30 I'll never make it." I said "It's 10:15, just head out now and you are fine" and her response was "Well why did you say quarter after then!?"
I was like... Uhh... Huh.. God she was dumb.
24. Rather old-fashioned.
He would never let me hold the remote control. EVER. Not only did I never have a say in what he watched, but he had the worst taste in movies and TV shows.
The final straw was when he set his alarm for 2 AM on a work night so he could watch a tennis match...A TENNIS MATCH.
I could never be with anyone who couldn't compromise with me on something as simple as watching TV/movies that we both like.
23. Difference in discipline.
She decided to buy us McDonald's. It was her and her son and me. When she asked what I wanted I ordered the chicken nuggets combo. We sat down and her kid pulled the worst habit I can't stand in kids (I have 2 of my own). He looked at his food and looked at mine and whined for my food. I looked him dead in the eye and said "no." Then she made me share it with him! I don't care who bought it, that was my order. We didn't last long after that.
22. No love for queso.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because when she took me out to dinner on my birthday and asked what I wanted, I said "Queso & Chips," which is one of my favorite things in the world. It was at Planet Hollywood, and they had the queso with sausage or hamburger in it, and it was amazing. She told me "No, you have to pick something else. You're not going to have queso & chips for dinner."
I immediately saw into the future, at the next few decades where I would be stuck to this horrible nag who wouldn't let me do or say or eat what I want. I broke up with her the next day.
21. The kids aren't alright.
It wasn't over a petty reason, but the petty way I broke up with someone. I was in 6th grade add was dating this girl for about 2 weeks. You could say things were getting pretty serious. I decided that I didn't want to date her anymore so I asked my friend to call her and break up for me. He calls me back and said that he did it... except there was one problem.
No one was there to answer the house phone. So what did he do? HE LEFT A VOICEMAIL TELLING HER WE WERE BREAKING UP! Right when I heard him say he did that I knew I screwed up big time. I can only imagine the looks on her parents face when they listen to a breakup voicemail to their 6th grade daughter after a nice family night out that isn't even from her boyfriend.
20. It's our song.
Her jaw clicked. Or popped. Doesn't matter what you call it. When she chewed, it clicked. When she yawned, it popped. When she'd swallow, it clicked. We'd be sitting next to each other, her head on my shoulder, and every few seconds...click...pop...
Constantly. For two months. Two months I put up with it. Every day the clicking and popping getting worse...driving into my skull. Finally, we got into a fight over something trivial and I used that as an excuse why would never work out and broke it off.
I can still hear that clicking and popping.
Image by engin akyurt from Pixabay
19. Road trip.
She talked too much in the car.
We took a day trip together to a city about an hour away. Had a great day; museums, good food, the works. Then on the car ride home, she talked a little but then quieted down. I got into the music and went to my happy driving place. As I pull up to her house to drop her off, she tells me how annoyed she was that I ignored her. The car ride home was boring because I didn't talk to her.
That night, I remembered how much my ex and I enjoyed just driving and listening to music. We could go hours without talking. So I got back together with her and we've been dating ever since.
18. Barely got away alive.
She would not pay attention while driving. I was scared out of my mind and talk about what she was seeing but NOT seeing it. Had never been in an accident by pure blind luck.
One night she drove through a 5 point traffic light almost got hit by 3 cars and she raised her hand out the window, sorry...
I snapped, broke, had a total break with reality and I could see myself screaming it was a total out of body experience. She pulled over and I ran away screaming.
17. Down with the patriarchy.
Her father. I had been dating this girl for maybe a month and I had met her parents one time, maybe during the second week. They seemed normal enough, nice, understanding, and interested in what their daughter was doing and who she was hanging out with. We were to the point of figuring out what little things about the person bother you, and which ones you can overlook for an extended period of time. For the most part, she was cool and fun to be around, but a little bit clingy. Then one day I get a call from her dad saying that he really like me as his daughter's boyfriend, could tell that she was really happy, and he was looking forward to getting to know me better. That was weird, but he also didn't want me to tell his daughter that he had called me. I broke up with her the next day.
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16. What a monster.
This girl was beautiful, certainly way too good looking to be dating me. Then the little quirks began when she got too comfortable. The "cute name calling" after like the first week, way too much PDA in front of little kids in the mall. Just stuff like that. But after that week it all came shattering down to Earth.
One night we're just laying in bed, and the shenanigans are over so I'm pretty exhausted. I spread out a little to get comfortable and my foot rubs up against her, and I notice she is still wearing socks. So I asked her "do you sleep with your socks on?" and she gave the happiest reply ever. I couldn't comprehend how someone could do that. That was really the final straw. She also poured milk in the bowl THEN cereal. She was every "quirk" I loathe.
15. I'm not screaming, you're screaming.
It wasn't me who did the breaking up, but my ex broke up with me in a very petty fashion.
My ex was really into amusement parks and roller coasters. I am petrified of heights and have difficulty with them. I'm so bad I go full on anxiety-attack mode.
For her birthday she wanted to go to the amusement park, and she and I and her friends went. I sucked it up and went on as many rides as I feasibly could. But, there got to a point where I just couldn't go on many of them, especially the huge ones (think Six Flags Superman style coasters). I sat out a few rides while she went on them with friends.
She broke up with me a couple days later because I couldn't enjoy the same things she could.
14. Celebrate good times, come on.
She liked to high five too much. Like at first it was kind of cute. Oh ok, we're 20-somethings and we high-five stuff. That's cool. But it quickly got old. Oh, good date? High five. Oh you ordered a beer? High-five. You like this movie? High-five. HIGH-FIVES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SPECIAL. IF YOU HIGH-FIVE EVERYTHING, NOTHING IS SPECIAL!
Photo by fotografierende from Pexels
13. Playing dirty, for eight points.
I caught her cheating at Words With Friends. Before we started she bragged to me about how good she was at it, like real trash talking. So we started playing and she was beating me on the regular. I'm not a sore loser, I'm impressed even.
Then one morning we're playing while laying in bed together. We decide it's time to get breakfast, she hops in the shower and I say I'm going to look up a place we can go for a good brunch. She says to use the UrbanSpoon app on her phone.
The app is horrible, so I give up and open a Safari window, and the last web page she was on was scrabblecheat.com.
I never actually confronted her about it. I just came down with a case of it's-not-you-it's-me.
12. Anything but ancient grains.
She wanted the first time she came over to be a "cereal party". Like you probably are, I asked, well now just what is that?
So she explains it to me that I buy my own favorite cereal and then she buys her favorite cereal and brings it over to my place. I guess the "party" part of this whole scenario, or the "fun" part of this so-called-party is that we don't eat our own favorite cereals, no no no, but switch them, and eat their favorite cereal.
I don't want your cereal. I have my favorite for a reason. There aren't these vast amounts of cereals out there floating around in the ether just tempting me from all corners of the globe! There's like... 10 super awesome cereals out of, what, maybe a hundred? The fact is, chances are, I've HAD your cereal before and it clearly didn't make the cut!
Needless to say, I thought the whole thing was asinine but agreed to do it because she's a female that was interested in me and I was rebounding at the time, but I knew that this was destined for failure.
11. Cheese wreckage is unforgivable.
We were making eggs for breakfast one morning which she liked putting grated cheese on. After we finished eating as we were putting everything away I realized I was late for school and had to go so she finished cleaning up. The next day I opened my fridge to get something to eat and I noticed that she had put the bowl of grated cheese in the fridge UNCOVERED, so now all the cheese had hardened and was inedible. She wasn't late for work or anything, had all the time in the world to cover that cheese.
10. Like a useless jukebox.
I had just started dating a "perfect woman." Everything was going great. One evening for some reason she drove us to the restaurant we were going to. I got in her car and she asked me to get a cassette to put in the stereo. I opened her cassette case and realized that none of the cassettes were labeled. She was a cassette non-labeler. I recognized this...it meant that she couldn't commit.
When confronted over the issue of not labeling the cassettes, she claimed that she usually could just tell which one was which, but really "it didn't matter, she usually just randomly inserted any one of them."
I couldn't handle the metaphor.
9. Tell me what you're thinking about.
I dated a woman who had no internal monologue. Everything that happened in her brain came spilling out of her mouth. We dated for 1 year. At first I thought it was cute. It was funny to have a look into what was going on inside her head. "OK should I do some laundry first or go to the gym and then do some laundry? Definitely gym first then I can put my gym clothes in the load of laundry I do. Great!!" After a while I realize that she went through the same internal/external monologue CONSTANTLY. Same questions. Same results. One day I snapped while she was talking her thoughts regarding a coworker she had an issue with. I said "Thoughts can happen in your head!!! They don't need to be spoken. In fact, 90% of the thoughts you have....do not need to be spoken." She responded with "What are you talking about?" I had no idea she was completely oblivious to this behavior, and that was the last straw.
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8. Way to ruin it for everybody.
She was from the south, and would answer every question she didn't quite hear and needed me to repeat with "Do what?" Even when I wasn't asking her to do anything.
For example -
"Hey, what should have for dinner tonight?" "Do what?"
"what did you think of the movie?" "Do what?"
"What time will we need to be there?" "Do what?"
It got to the point where I just felt like screaming "STOP SAYING 'DO WHAT'!!! THAT IS NOT A REMOTELY POSSIBLE RESPONSE TO THE QUESTION I JUST ASKED!!! YOU SOUND LIKE A STUPID REDNECK HILLJACK WHEN YOU SAY THAT!!!"
So I just ended it. And now, unfortunately, every woman with a southern accent sounds like an absolute moron to me.
7. A new car would fix everything.
I was driving a car that had the manual door locks. I would unlock her door, and then she would sit in the passenger side staring blankly ahead and not reaching over to unlock my door, so I would have to unlock my door. It drove me nuts. I told my mom about it and said I was going to break up with her, and mom reasonably said to talk to her about it, maybe she just didn't know better. Sure enough, she said she didn't know to reach over and unlock my door. We went out to dinner a couple days later, and I unlocked her door, confidently went around and leaned back while pulling the door handle and nearly fell over. She still hadn't unlocked the door. Relationship over.
Pixabay
6. Don't cause a fuss.
After seeing a sign on a handbag shops window that said bags 50% off she got excited and ran into the store. When she found the bag she liked on the rack she quickly grabbed another since now it was half price so she could buy 2. I have no issue with this. But she gets to the counter and the lady said oh that bag is full price, I cut in and say excuse me, it was on the half price rack which clearly had the half price tag lut right onto the handbag she was holding, so someone had to literally touch this handbag and put the sale price on? She says oh it's a mistake it's now $150 for the 2 bags. My girlfriend is like "ok no problem."
I cut in, no! The only reason you entered the store was for the half price, then the reason you got excited and picked this exact bag is cause it was half off and you could buy 2, now your willing to pay double cause of their "mistake." She said she didn't want to cause a scene, I was ready to yell at the store lady until this was made right, I promptly exited the store and broke up with her.
Not an exaggeration.
Image by gonghuimin468 from Pixabay
5. Big spoon or little spoon?
He was a spoon whittler. No relationship just a single date. We were walking through campus after a nice dinner when things took a bad turn. He started picking up sticks and told me he was collecting them to whittle spoons. He took me back to his dorm to show me his spoons. He whittled only spoons. No knives or forks, just spoons. He also wore a creepy turtleneck with a weird button down sweater vest. Also he was in his late 20s living in a college dormitory.
4. Lack of chemistry.
We were casually talking about our pet peeves one day and I mentioned that it irks me when people pronounce "nuclear" as "nook-you-lur". He was surprised that that is the way its pronounced and kinda laughed at the fact that he had been saying it wrong this whole time. I smiled and he says, "I'm going to pronounce it like that anyway though."
I didn't think he would do it but yeah he did. He would purposely pronounce it that way in casual conversation, and even once to his physics professor. (We are both science majors so the word comes up surprisingly often.) The one straw that broke the camels back was during one conversation when he pronounced the word correctly then after a pause "corrected" himself to the incorrect way to say it...I screamed internally.
Pixabay
3. Learn how to share.
I had just started dating this guy, we were hanging out for the 2nd or 3rd time. We were driving around and stopped to get a drink from the gas station and I also bought a bag of hot cheetos. Back in the car I started munching on my cheetos and after my first cheeto the guy reached over without asking and grabbed a handful and stuffed them into his mouth. And he kept doing it, like as if I wanted to share the bag with him. I was so annoyed every time he reached for more. I don't think that was the entire reason I stopped seeing him...but I was just so bothered by it that I lost interest.
Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash
2. It could only go downhill from there.
I ended a four-year relationship over a grilled cheese.
I'd been dating this chick since high school, tall, skinny, pretty and we always had a great time together. I fancy myself a good cook, which works out because I've never ever had a girlfriend that could cook well, knew her way around a kitchen or have basic cooking and food prep skills. Safe to say, I've never come home to a warm dinner. Must be nice.
Anyway - I never did mind being the one doing all the cooking, as it was always delicious and I had a great time doing it. Eventually however, this caused a rift - her friends would always talk about cooking for their man etc. which led her to bring it up with me... "Can I make you something?"she asked one day. I said that it might be better if we do it together so that I could show her the basics.
Great, we're at it, but she isn't taking instruction AT ALL. I MEAN SHE STARTS HACKING AWAY AT THE POTATOES AND ONIONS IN ALL DIFFERENT SHAPES AND SIZES! I say woah woah woah, you can't do that, that's going to mess up the cooking process, some pieces will be overcooked, while others, undercooked. We have to focus on even cuts and careful prepping. "WHO CARES?" she says. *HACK *CHOP *SLICE. I explained to her that she should do things right if she wants to do things at all - which led to a fight about how everything is always "MY" way.
Months pass and she comes over in the morning just as I was about to make some delicious grilled cheese sandwiches for us. As soon as she comes in and see's what I'm doing, she asks to take over. I explicitly remind her about our fight 2 months ago. She again started to get hostile about "letting things go" and my way isn't the right way etc. I say FINE.. cook it. I let it go but can't help but monitor from afar. Cheese on bread.. butter on the bottom.. it seems to be going ok.
I say, "Make sure not to burn it." And she FLIPS. "I TOLD YOU NOT TO MICROMANAGE ME!!" Meanwhile, during this escalating row, the sandwich STILL isn't flipped or the heat STILL hasn't been reduced. The acidic stench of burning bread starts scorching my nostrils. "FLIP THE BREAD!!!" I yell.. she reacts.. and flips the sandwich over.
That was it.. HOWEVER, what she forgot was to butter THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BREAD. The half burnt, half tasteless sandwich perfectly symbolized what our relationship had become. As soon as we came to this realization - we knew it was over.
1. Super-sweet hookup.
A little background: I'm overweight and have decided back in X-mas that I want to be skinny now. I've successfully cut out most junk food and soda, which I'm proud about. As most people who are trying to cut back know, this type of change doesn't happen overnight, and in general, weight-loss is not only a physical process, but also a journey that is fraught with weird mental and emotional ups-and-downs, triggered often by particular foods. For me, this is anything that's mass-produced and sealed in a clear cellophane wrapper, sold in gas-stations and suburban supermarkets. Lucky for me, I live in San Francisco, home of self-entitled douchelord yuppies like myself, who worship at the altar of organic and fresh produce. Of course, I fantasize often about inhaling pizza and corndogs in a dark room while binge watching E!. I'm a bonafide former-fat kid trapped in a present fat-kid's body.
Through a friend I met a nice gentleman who is also "husky". For our 1st and 2nd date, he took me to places that served chicken-fried steak and caramelized pork-belly. These, admittedly, are huge indulgences for me. I know they're bad but they were so tasty. Plus, I'm pretty desperate, and figured if we actually start dating-dating, I can always try to be the couple that eat salads together.
As these things go, after a couple of dates, I went over to his place and we hooked up. That part was okay but my goodness, if he wasn't the sweetest of sweethearts afterwards: we cuddled, he got me an ice-cold unopened bottled water. He even brought my phone in from the living room, and asked if he can set me up with an appropriate charging cable while I spend the night. At this point I'm thinking, okay, let's just get married cuz this guy is a champ.
He disappeared again after setting me up with a power cable. A couple minutes later and he crawled back in the bed and this is where it went south.
I smelled it first: that saccharine waft of high fructose corn syrup with a heavy schmear of hydrogenated vegetable oil. The smacking of his lips rang loudly, echoing through his bachelor chamber. By the dim light filtering through the blinds, I see the silhouette of a soda bottle tipped against his pursed lips, carefully poured down his gullet. The humanity.
"W..wh..what is that." I asked, careful to not betray my horror.
"Oh! It's a Zinger!" He answered enthusiastically, crinkling the cellophane wrapper. "It's like a Twinkie, but with frosting on top. Here, try one." He offered with innocent generosity.
I'm not gonna lie, I felt cornered like a hunted fawn. Here I am, naked, post-coital, and full of hormones compelling me to bond with this guy so we can be future co-parents together. I can feel myself overreacting, and yet there's no breathing exercise I can do to stop the way I feel. I'm awash in disgust.
I placed the tip of the Zinger (just the tip, ha!) into my mouth, and immediately regretted it as self-hatred consumed me. I actually flinched as I chewed through. It was just as I had suspected: cloyingly sweet, with a dry unnatural texture. Oh and the frosting had the mouth feel of soapscum. Every cell in my body screamed. I wanted to shove my fingers down my throat to undo what I just did. Involuntarily, my brain had cued up a string of fat jokes.
"Want some Vanilla Pepsi to wash it down?" He asked after taking a swig, no irony or even awareness in his voice. Not that diet soda is better but did he really just commit to a non-diet soda right before going to bed?
"No I'm good." I said with measured casualness. He set the the soda on the nightstand, then leaned over and frenched me. I mentally made a note to schedule a dentist check-up ASAP. He then rolled back to his side of the bed, and started eating the third and final Zinger.
"Where did you even find this?" I asked, feigning curiosity to cover up my growing horror.
"7-Eleven." He answered, gleeful. I hadn't even known that there is a 7-Eleven in San Francisco proper, being the organic hippie mecca that it is. It was all I could do to keep myself from screaming "WHY ARE YOU EATING THIS? HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT DIABETES? ACTUAL PEOPLE HAVE LOST ACTUAL FEET OVER THIS. FOR REAL. IF YOU'RE GONNA SNACK AFTER SEX AT LEAST MAKE IT SOMETHING AMAZING AND NOT SOME 7-ELEVEN BACKSTOCK!!!"
I wish I had said all of that and zoomed out on a galloping gaggle of soapboxes. But I didn't want to be mean – I mean, the post-coital bed should technically be a no-judgement zone. He has been incredibly nice and he didn't deserve to be judged the way I'm silently judging him. I didn't want to traumatize the guy while he's naked, wallowing in a Zinger and Vanilla Pepsi induced bliss.
So instead, I stared into the darkness as he finished his 4 a.m. snack and kissed me goodnight. "If we wake up early enough we can get breakfast." He promised.
Long into the night I stared, freaking out silently. After he fell asleep I slipped out of the bed and got dressed. When I went to say a quick goodbye he said "c'mon, don't go. Just lay here for a second." I did, and ended up passing out after all. I still adore Mr.Chubster but I know we'll never be co-parents together. Not as long as he keeps on offering me Zingers in bed.
